I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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