he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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