there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
