if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
