woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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