I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
