don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
