My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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