No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
