Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We need to get me chipped asap
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
