If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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