Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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