You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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