Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
