I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
