well I can't set my house on fire every night
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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