Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
