I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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