Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
