what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
