____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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