Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
