yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
