but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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