Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
