life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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