your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
