when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
