My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
