he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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