i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
