Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
