checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
