I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Randomize
