How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Randomize
