You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I did not marry a roomba.
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