im having a threesome with these popsicles
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
