I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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