I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There's always time for handjobs
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
