And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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