I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
