I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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