i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
