Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
