If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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