On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Randomize
