i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
