Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
