just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
