I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
