It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
