Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
