Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
