i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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